Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Best 4 Days of the Year

I'll just tell you now: I won't be able to sleep tonight. This is Chirstmas Eve for basketball fiends like yours truly. We're entering the greatest 4-day sequence on the sports calendar. Who are the other candidates? Allow me to sift through them and piss on their contrasting lameness.

Super Bowl Sunday be damned - the game is usually a disappointment, and the scene is such a clusterfuck of commercialism and hangers on that the game is an afterthought to most people. What else comes close? MLB's opening day? The games are too insignificant, and it's still cold in half the cities. BCS week? There's your probable runner-up, but the hoops action is so much more concentrated. BCS week is delicious, but it's too much coke, not enough whiskey.

I'll take my double tall of bracket and ball busting basketball ludicrosity now, thanks. At this time, I'd like to spew some random thoughts about the tournament, because I write this for the jolly of it, and don't have editors to cramp my style with "structure" and "facts."
You know how I know you're gay? You don't have a man-crush on Kevin Durant. This man is the balls, and has plans including but not limited to 32-foot, off-balance threes in the face of double teams. I, for one, have welcomed our new basketball overlord, and wish him a pleasant trampling of the Fighting Reggie Theuses in round one and USC in round 2. After Kevin is done urinating on the facemask of Tyler Hansbrough in the sweet 16, you too will be ready to kneel at the throne of this KG-TMac hybrid sent to us from another galaxy.

The Buckeyes of Ohio State are of course led by 37-year old college freshman Greg Oden. Oden has recently had his jock re-hopped on by many because his injured right hand has healed at long last. Alas, he is now ready to live up to the billing he recieved as an offensive dynamo coming into the season. He also will be fully prepared to travel through time, rationalize the Iraq war, and fulfill several biblical prophecies.

Hopefully you've been fortunate enough to see Joakim Noah's spastic, seizure-like hyphy dance of a celebration from last weekend. If not, go ahead and YouTube it now. Some say he's a douche for this work of artistic expression, but I disagree - I wish Peyton Manning would have got his Mark Madsen on next to Jim Nantz after the Super Bowl.

My nausea is kicking in now, but I have to say it: Kansas is fucking awesome. They completely dismantled Mizzou a while back, and I was in person to view the dismemberment of my Tigers. They turned the second half into a dunk contest, thoroughly waxing our assembly of JuCo transfers and confused passers-by in jerseys. They're sick, and are my selection to win the whole thing. I make this pick, because, what the hell - the Gods of Sport have tortured me for most of college with the whole Cardinals thing, so why not pile it on for my final March here in Columbia.
My final four is kU, Florida, Georgetown and Ohio State. I know, I made a big stretch there. Really out on a limb with those three one seeds and a number two. Maybe I'm soft. Maybe I'm not. Maybe fuck off. All I know is that I'm thoroughly prepared to immerse myself in my favorite four-day sequence of the year, as you should.

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