We're Talkin' Homer, Ozzie and The Straw...

The Simpsons Movie comes out today, and I, for one, am thoroughly excited. I have long believed that every aspect of life can be explained by, poked fun at, and rationalized by The Simpsons. The show has been an integral part of my upbringing, and has done as much as anything else to mold my sense of humor. Obviously, I'm not alone in this boat - it's been nice to see the celebration of the show in mainstream and alternative media as the hype machine hit full throttle for the movie.

Since I graduate from college in December, am working at a place I've always wanted to work at this summer, Craig Biggio is retiring, and this movie is coming out - this really feels like the absolute end of youth for me. It's now time to get my grown man on everyday, and not just when convenient. Fuck.

Anyway, a source at my current employer did this bit of baseball-and-Simpsons related research, and I felt compelled to share it with you fine people. I present to you, a collision of two of my favorite things on this here planet, baseball and Los Simpsons:

----
* Only two players enshrined in the 4 major sports' Halls of Fame carry the last name "Simpson": Bills great O.J. Simpson and Hockey Hall of Famer "Bullet" Joe Simpson.

* There have been 8 Simpsons in MLB history…. The Simpson who hit the most "Homers" was Harry Simpson, who had 73 career HR.

* There has only been 1 Simpson in NBA history -- Ralph Simpson (not to be confused with Ralph Sampson), who played 10 seasons, mostly with the Nuggets.

In MLB History there have been....

20 players named Burns
16 players named Barney
15 players named Otto
11 players named Homer
7 players named Moe
6 players named Bart
4 players named Skinner
3 players named McClure
0 players named Flanders
0 players named Disco Stu

* There are 78 MLB players all-time listed as having been born in one of the 14 "Springfields" in the United States -- including reliever Allan Simpson, who is the only Simpson born in a Springfield! Some notable Springfieldians: Robin Roberts, Rabbit Maranville, Chris Capuano, Jeff Fassero, Jayson Werth.

Conversely, there are only 7 major leaguers from Shelbyville.

* Notable athletes to have appeared as themselves on the Simpsons:

LeBron James
Venus and Serena Williams
Dan Marino
Oscar de la Hoya
Tom Brady
Michelle Kwan
Lisa Leslie
Yao Ming
Pete Sampras
Johnny Unitas
Warren Sapp
Magic Johnson
Rosey Grier
Troy Aikman
Randy Johnson
Terry Bradshaw
Bret "the Hitman" Hart
Joe Frazier
Andre Agassi
Dennis Rodman
Joe Namath
Tom Kite
Gerry Cooney

... and the entire starting lineup from the classic "Homer at the Bat" episode...

Wade Boggs, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Ken Griffey Jr., Don Mattingly, Steve Sax, Mike Scioscia, Ozzie Smith, and Darryl Strawberry.
----
My favorite line from that fantastic 1992 episode:
"MATTINGLY! I told you to shave those sideburns!" - Mr. Burns


“The Simpsons” is an inexhaustible repository of humor, invention and insight, an achievement without precedent or peer in the history of broadcast television, perhaps the purest distillation of our glories and failings as a nation ever conceived. - A.O. Scott, New York Times

Here's a great review of the movie from the NYT:

http://movies2.nytimes.com/2007/07/27/movies/27simp.html


"In "Brother's Little Helper," a paranoid Bart shoots down a satellite that Major League Baseball was using to spy on everyone. Mark McGwire, however, calms the public by landing in a helicopter and asking: "Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?"

The crowd's response: "Dingers! Dingers!"

(By the way, wouldn't it have been awesome had McGwire delivered the same line when he testified before Congress? Had he done so, he might be going into Cooperstown this weekend.)" - Jim Caple, ESPN.com


And Jim Caple's gem about the aforementioned episode:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/070725

The View from Bristol, Part 1

This isn't a blog about the cool shit I've seen during my time at ESPN. For the record, I've seen alot of cool shit. My summer has been a perpetual vision of cool shit.

Rather, I wanted to take on a few of the journalistic items that have crossed my mind, and the collective sports media consciousness, in these past weeks.

ESPN's dynamic, because of it's vastness, is invariably complicated. The business relationships that made it into the monopolic behemoth it is today have impacted its journalistic integrity at times. Don't think this is lost on the people who work there, though - they're normal, working professionals doing the best they can, and fight this mixture of journalistic integrity and commercial obligation, like every other facet of the media.

During a Q and A session, I asked one of the veterans of the company, who had a journalism degree, how he felt about infusing advertisements into SportsCenter (the example I used was a mini-trailer for Pirates of the Carribbean leading into a highlight for the actual Pittsburgh Pirates game). The pessimist in me expected him to skate around the answer. He was refreshingly honest when he said he was torn by the whole thing.

He told the room that he knows he and the company have obligations to the company fueling their perpetual growth, but that there has to be a threshold the network reaches in its cross-promotional efforts. He then wanted my opinion, and I told him it hurts to see things like the trailer as a journalist, but I understand why it happens. I joked that I was worried about being honest because I loved it in Bristol, but he seemed pleased with my response.

NHL die-hards have let it be widely known that they believe hockey is being intentionally pushed out by the network. Personally, I chalk up the NHL fans conspiracies as denial that their sport has been horrifically marketed and manipulated for the better part of 2 decades. That, and those making these comments are probably coming from places where the sport still thrives - i.e., the Northeast. Get outside that bubble, and you'll see that apathy regarding the sport reigns over most of the U.S.

Also, I'd like to add this: I've heard more hockey-related banter inside the ESPN newsroom the past few months than I have the rest of my life combined. I would argue that ESPN has covered transactions in the sport this summer on a fair scale in terms of newsworthiness. Some of the anchors would be happier if it was talked about more.

ESPN, from my experience there, has been a fantastic organization and a joy to work at, but it's hard to see them conspiring in a room to destroy hockey. There are so many hundreds of voices channeling into the network's product, that to imagine them all pushing one specific agenda is kind of laughable. Honestly, efficiency is not their strongest suit.

As someone who has spent the summer witnessing the hundreds of technicalities that go on during highlight show broadcasts, I can assure you that the frantic work being done by so many professional individuals doesn't permit pausing to remember how much the network hates hockey.

This isn't about hockey, though - what I'm reaching for is a broader point. When you're the biggest show in town, the people will pick at your flaws, rather than celebrate your success. Spiteful commenters on blogs like Deadspin (which I enjoy) and Kissing Suzy Kolber (which I enjoy immensely) harp on everything that the WWL does wrong. Berman is annoying, Who's Now is ridiculous, and the like. Well, not the like - really, the commentary is more harsh, vulgar, and often hilarious.

But this is no different than anyone, or anything else, that achieves widespread success. When a band blows up, indie kids who touted their greatness think they suck. Pseudo-intellectual hip-hop heads loved Common until he went and sold a bunch of records. And sports fans yearn for the glory days, when ESPN was just spreading it's multi-national wings, and Dan and Keith were your boys in the SC anchor chairs.

People throw rocks at the throne, no matter what field that throne lies in. Nobody bothers to pepper the up and comer with stones - on the contrary - they often see them as trendy and fresh. When they get to the top, they've reached their zenith, they've jumped the shark, it's all downhill. Many people clamor for change, disregarding if the product is even better than before, because crispiness appeals to their microwavable tastes. What can we get that's FRESHER?

In the consistently negative sports blogosphere, this is what has happened to Bill Simmons, and is beginning to happen to Deadspin. By 2008, Kissing Suzy Kolber, or the Big Lead, or whatever, have a strong likelihood of feeling this. And then, someone who's new will have their 18 months in the sun, until they're picked apart by those who just love to bitch about everything.

Will Leitch sounded like a nervous, web-sufficient hermit on adderrall when he was on The Dan Patrick Show being interviewed by Scott Van Pelt last week. I thought Van Pelt was fair, yet managed to lightly scorch the obviously nervous Leitch. After seeing how he's acted in the spotlight, I can't help but form new opinions of Will. Maybe the safe-house of blogging suited Will better than going into journalism face-first? Mere speculation, but that's just the impression I've been gradually left with.

For a long time, ESPN has been able to skate by on its sheer size. The new flock of sports blogs that find its flaws can serve as a great ombudsman and resource for the network if used properly.

Will had a fantastic chance to champion the journalistic traits of Deadspin the Media Critic when Van Pelt asked him to. Scott asked Mr. Leitch what he would change at ESPN. Will made a lame joke, then tried to talk about the lack of transparency of the network, but his verbose analogy was difficult to follow, and lost its effectiveness.

I guess the bitter masses haven't found the right critic in Mr. Deadspin. They'll keep looking.

More to come later in the summer.

Thanks, Mr. Biggio.

Craig Biggio, one of my childhood heroes, and a figure that will be celebrated in Houston for as long as baseball is relevant in the annals of history, reached 3,000 hits tonight. I couldn't be more proud of him, either.

During an ESPN highlight, Karl Ravech said that what Derek Jeter is to the Yankees, Craig Biggio is to the Astros. This is not true. The Yankees have a litany of baseball legends, world championships, and folklore. The Astros have none of this.

We have a small handful of division titles, a few playoff series wins, and one pennant. We have part of Nolan Ryan's career, the Astrodome, and those rainbow jerseys. We narrowly missed getting the chance to make that Bill Buckner game never exist in 1986. Our biggest moment in the sun lasted a whole four games, as we were quickly swept by the White Sox in 2005. The memory that resonates most nationally of that season was actually one of incredible deflation: the Pujols blast off Lidge.

But most of all, we have our Killer B's. We have two quiet, dignified, professional all-time greats who never got the affection of the national media, but always had our admiration and affection.

Craig Biggio has never hit a ground ball not worthy of being legged out, and one base has always been a chance to get two (see: tonight's 3,000th hit). (Additional note: Biggio is the all-time leader in doubles by a right-handed hitter. That's of anyone, ever, in the history of baseball.) He has been the consummate team player, moving from catcher, to second base, to center field, to left field, back to second base, and never once complaining about it. He doesn't show up umpires, plays with relentless desire, and the biggest qualm the commissioner's office has had with him is some extra pine tar on his bat, or the Sunshine Kids pin he wore on his hat during batting practice.

I wish I could live my life like Craig Biggio played the prime of his baseball career: selfless, tireless, passionate, dignified, and consistently excellent.

It seems fitting that our legend won't even be the lead story on SportsCenter on this night. Hell, it wasn't even the only milestone passed in baseball ON THIS DAY - Frank Thomas clocked his 500th home run this afternoon. He has a split screen corner graphic on ESPN.com moments after the moment happens. It seems fitting for a player who has been underappreciated his whole career.

My city may briefly begrudge this, but we're used to it. Our two NBA titles are largely forgotten because they came during the Jordan off-years. We were led by a quiet, dignified star then, too. I digress.

In an abysmal season, we can celebrate the career we were blessed to be a part of as Astro fans. Thanks, Bidge. I'll be there in Cooperstown when you don the first Astro hat in the Hall of Fame.

Why You Can't Be Mad At the Rocket

I'm not surprised, or even really that disappointed, at today's news of Roger Clemens signing on with the Yankees. Fans without a sense of history will call him a traitor, or worse, but the truth of the matter is the organization didn't nearly have the luster of the Big Apple. It never has, and it never will. That statement doesn't serve as an indictment of the Star, but is just an honest compare and contrast exercise with the Yankees.

Today, the Houston Astros were summoned back into the realization that they, despite their franchise's relative success in the past decade, are still the Houston Astros. The Astros' zenith was a world series appearance in 2005. The year before that, they won their first post-season series ever. The Astros, like almost all professional sports franchises around the world, completely pale in comparison with the international beacon of success known as the New York Yankees. They are an American symbol, recognized globally; the Astros are a historical also-ran who built the first indoor baseball stadium.

I remember my thought process when rumors began to surface of Roger Clemens signing with the Astros in 2004. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. Roger Clemens? With my Astros? Is he serious? The man is arguably the best right handed pitcher in the history of baseball, and in my opinion, the best one since World War II. The Astros were best recognized around the country for rainbow jerseys in the 80's, artificial turf and Jeff Bagwell. I remember being floored by the news that he was joining Andy Pettitte in the starting rotation. His signing truly elevated the status of the franchise to heights it hadn't come close to before.

Since the day he arrived, the storyline in the national media was Roger Clemens first, Houston Astros second. To Astro fans it may have seemed unfair, but on a bigger scale, this perception is totally justifiable. Richard Justice said in a column / blog today that the Yankee boys just didn't find us that interesting. I don't agree with Richard alot of the time, but he got it right here. Houston is a big city, but New York is THE big city. Besides, Roger doesn't deserve to pitch valueless 2-1 games in front of 17,000 people in Pittsburgh in September for a 3rd place team. He's an icon, and his legacy in sports is bigger than that of the entire Houston Astros organization.

And as someone who loves the Astros, that's tough to admit.

The Best 4 Days of the Year

I'll just tell you now: I won't be able to sleep tonight. This is Chirstmas Eve for basketball fiends like yours truly. We're entering the greatest 4-day sequence on the sports calendar. Who are the other candidates? Allow me to sift through them and piss on their contrasting lameness.

Super Bowl Sunday be damned - the game is usually a disappointment, and the scene is such a clusterfuck of commercialism and hangers on that the game is an afterthought to most people. What else comes close? MLB's opening day? The games are too insignificant, and it's still cold in half the cities. BCS week? There's your probable runner-up, but the hoops action is so much more concentrated. BCS week is delicious, but it's too much coke, not enough whiskey.

I'll take my double tall of bracket and ball busting basketball ludicrosity now, thanks. At this time, I'd like to spew some random thoughts about the tournament, because I write this for the jolly of it, and don't have editors to cramp my style with "structure" and "facts."
---
You know how I know you're gay? You don't have a man-crush on Kevin Durant. This man is the balls, and has plans including but not limited to 32-foot, off-balance threes in the face of double teams. I, for one, have welcomed our new basketball overlord, and wish him a pleasant trampling of the Fighting Reggie Theuses in round one and USC in round 2. After Kevin is done urinating on the facemask of Tyler Hansbrough in the sweet 16, you too will be ready to kneel at the throne of this KG-TMac hybrid sent to us from another galaxy.

The Buckeyes of Ohio State are of course led by 37-year old college freshman Greg Oden. Oden has recently had his jock re-hopped on by many because his injured right hand has healed at long last. Alas, he is now ready to live up to the billing he recieved as an offensive dynamo coming into the season. He also will be fully prepared to travel through time, rationalize the Iraq war, and fulfill several biblical prophecies.

Hopefully you've been fortunate enough to see Joakim Noah's spastic, seizure-like hyphy dance of a celebration from last weekend. If not, go ahead and YouTube it now. Some say he's a douche for this work of artistic expression, but I disagree - I wish Peyton Manning would have got his Mark Madsen on next to Jim Nantz after the Super Bowl.

My nausea is kicking in now, but I have to say it: Kansas is fucking awesome. They completely dismantled Mizzou a while back, and I was in person to view the dismemberment of my Tigers. They turned the second half into a dunk contest, thoroughly waxing our assembly of JuCo transfers and confused passers-by in jerseys. They're sick, and are my selection to win the whole thing. I make this pick, because, what the hell - the Gods of Sport have tortured me for most of college with the whole Cardinals thing, so why not pile it on for my final March here in Columbia.
----
My final four is kU, Florida, Georgetown and Ohio State. I know, I made a big stretch there. Really out on a limb with those three one seeds and a number two. Maybe I'm soft. Maybe I'm not. Maybe fuck off. All I know is that I'm thoroughly prepared to immerse myself in my favorite four-day sequence of the year, as you should.

State of the Star 2007: The Bats

Much has been stated, written, re-hashed and rambled regarding the shittiness of the Houston Astros' offensive punch the past two seasons. In fact, just about the only thing said about the Astros' offense in the national media realm the past two years has been how they can't score any runs for poor Roger Clemens. How an offense so mediocre managed to win the pennant in 2005 is a testament to two things: 1) MLB has reached, and could surpass, the NFL in parity, and 2) the Astros pitching staff in 2005 will be seen as legendary in 25 years. Think about it - they went three HOF'ers deep to start the rotation, had (at the time) arguably the hottest shut-down closer in the game, and featured two workhorse set-up guys with electric stuff. Alas, this is not about the pitching of yesteryear, but the bats of today - so I digress.

The pinnacle of such offensive ineptness shone brightly on one of the few games I got to attend at the Juice Box last season: at a businessman's special weekday game closing out a series with the Cubs, Andy Pettitte opposed someone named Ryan O'Malley in his major league debut. The lightning rod that was the Stros' offense managed 5 hits, 6 walks, and 0 runs against the kid, who was back in Iowa 2 weeks later. Nice.

So the Astros responded by splashing loudly in the offseason pool. Gone is the beloved Slick Willy T, and going with him will be his low on-base percentage. Replacing him in CF (unless Hunter Pence hurdles AAA altogether, which is a distinct possibility) is Chris Burke, which will be a boost offensively, but is initially hard to decipher in terms of outfield coverage. Carlos Lee isn't the most speedy of outfielders, and Taveras would have been able to at least cloak that weak spot by shading into left a bit.

Speaking of Lee, we gave a guy $100M who was on the wrong side of 30 with bad knees and a visible belly. This does not reek of long-term financial wisdom. This signing will help this and next year, but may be an albatross reminiscent of the shoulder-impaired Bagwell years we are now exiting.

Those however, are the cons. The first of the pros are that Lance will have a proven All-Star bat to protect him in the order. Lee, like Lance, makes the players around him better by giving them more pitches to hit. Of course, if you're actually reading this, you probably don't need an asshole like me telling you this redundant, well-known fact of baseball.

Luke Scott apparently spent the offseason eating dry chicken and egg whites, hitting for hours in the cage, and doing a great deal of grunting and heavy lifts. Add that to the fact that he was a man on fire late in the year, and I need to believe in the dude. He's been given the starting job in RF to start spring training, and it will take a baaaad March in Florida + poor managerial judgement to keep him from such.

Morgan Ensberg has been a favorite of mine since he first entered the Astro realm. He had that awkward phase where he changed his batting stance every 15 minutes, showed emotion on teams that reeked of "professionalism" (i.e. - stale white guys, see: Jeff Kent), and suddenly exploded in 2005 while Lance slowly recovered from knee surgery. Because of this, watching him last season was rough on me. If Morgan bounces back, it's like doubling the Lee signing. People forget that this guy finished 4th in the NL MVP voting just two years ago - last year people in Houston wanted him maimed for his injury-induced struggles. Come back, Mo-Berg. Please.

Let me offer this preface next - Craig Biggio is an all-time, doubt-free, Texas icon and one of my favorite athletes of all time. But last season, he looked DONE. He hit .246, his worst mark since his rookie 50-game stint of 1988 (I was 3 that season). His second half was atrocious, and correspondingly, the Star picked up Mark Loretta to take some of his reps this season (as well as at SS when we inevitably get sick of Adam Everett hitting .230). Bidge needs 70 hits for 3,000, and he has more than earned the right to walk away on his own terms. His 3,000th hit will be a great moment for the city of Houston, and I'll savor watching it - hopefully in person. For the Astros to succeed this year, Craig needs to find Mr. Peabody's Way-Back machine and be the dude he was in 2004, at least. Otherwise, we may have an air of awkwardness swirling beneath our train filled with oranges.

The black hole of death returns to the bottom of our order this year. By this, of course, I mean 'defense-first' pop-out wizards Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus. Unlike most Astro fans though, I'll stop railing on their obvious offensive limitations and harp on their fine qualities - Everett saves you 1/2 a run a game on defense, and is a pleasure to watch in the field. Ausmus makes everyone he catches better. Plus, if the other guys do their jobs, they'll slide off the hook for another season when they combine to hit in the .235-.245 range.

Overall, the Star should be vastly improved offensively. So much so, that we could be a daunting lineup if Lee comes through, Mo bounces back and Luke Scott becomes a better Jason Lane. Burke will hit for more pop than Willy, and Mark Loretta is 2 years removed from hitting .335 with the Padres.

Still, so many ifs. That's why we watch, though.

State of the Star 2007: Pitching Staff

This is floundering, non-abrasive analysis, but last season truly was a mixed bag for the Astros' pitching staff. The positives were strong enough to carry what success the team did have despite their sickly offensive efforts. Roy-O (15-8, 2.98 ERA, 1.17 WHIP) would have been a worthy winner of his first Cy Young award, Rocketman (7-6, 2.30, 1.04) was a big contributor in the 2nd half when he didn't seem winded, and Dan Wheeler accepted a promotion to closer in stride when Brad Lidge looked like he was about to pitch his way out of professional baseball.

The back half of the starting rotation struggled, though. Wandy Rodriguez was afraid to throw his JV fastball anywhere near the strike zone. A revolving cast of formerly promising young arms flamed out - Taylor Buchholz (the gem of the Wagner trade) started hot but ulitmately fizzled, Jason Hirsh got a cup of coffee in the bigs and wasn't that impressive, and Fernando Nieve was more effective in the pen than as a starter. Brandon Backe, in all his adrenaline-fueled glory, needed Tommy John surgery after making a whopping 8 starts. Andy Pettitte showed signs of being himself, but ultimately had a down year and wound up remarkably mediocre. The Yankees can take him for $16 mil.

The back half of the bullpen was the most striking change than in la serie mundial season of 2005. National media and lesser informed fans will say Brad Lidge never psychologically recovered from Pujolsgate, but Astros brass and pitching minds think differently. Nolan Ryan and others cited Lidge's mechanics for most of his control problems, which caused his formerly devastating slider to sit on the outer half of the plate instead of diving into oblivion. I tend to side with this logic - Lidge was a stand-up guy throughout the whole media circus, and his ascension through baseball, overcoming several bad arm injuries, were bigger life hurdles than Al's game 5 bomb. That, and I have to believe this in order to not want to punch things.

Chad Qualls had another pretty good year, but when he was bad, it was triumphant and memorable (see: Konerko Grand Slam in June series that mirrored gut-wrenching WS blast). Trever Miller proved to be a big lefty upgrade over Mike Gallo, and will accordingly be back for 2007.

Through all this, we ended up not being all that bad. Having Roy, Roger and even a down Andy will do this, though. The Star wound up 2nd in the NL in team ERA (4.08), 4th in batting average against (.256) and 3rd in strikeouts (1160). But you don't care about that, because your Astro nerdery pales in comparison to mine. I digress.

We've got a frightening new look to the rotation in 2007. Bible-pounding lefty Andy Pettitte spurned the Astros big offer to come back, then went back to the Yanks apparently because they would include the player option for '08 that Uncle Drayton wouldn't agree to. Andy then proceeded to say that New York was where "God wanted him to be." Funny that God wanted him in Houston in 2003. I side with the Star in this matter: we got 1.5 seasons from Andy for his last deal, .75 of which were Pettitte-like. He's on the wrong side of the age wall, has arm problems, and had an ERA over 4 pitching in the NL Central last year. Enjoy those Boston and Toronto lineups, big guy. Andy's stats will likely replicate what Big Unit did for the Yanks the past 3 years, if his elbow stays pain-free.

Jason Jennings (in a contract year) was added in a swap with Colorado. We traded the beloved Willy T, Buchholz and Hirsh to get him, which basically means that if we don't get an extension worked out, the trade won't be worth it. He's tabbed as the no. 2, but he really is more of a no. 3 starter if he's on a playoff team. However, we live in an era where Jeff Suppan and Gil Meche are $50-million-plus starting arms, and the Astros still play in AAAA, I mean, the National League.

Woody Williams is 40 and won't be giving you 7 innings a start this year. Still, he was a smart signing and cost wayyyyy less than Pettitte. If he stays healthy, he's an ideal no. 4 starter; unfortunately for us, he's our #3. We'll see how this works out.

The back of the rotation is an open competition this Spring. My early money is that Wandy will win one of the jobs based on familiarity and experience alone, and that Chris Sampson nabs the last slot. I still think Nieve is more valuable as a power short-work arm in the pen, and that he could be very valuable this year considering only Roy and Jennings are innings-eaters. Matt Albers is still a kid, and may benefit from some more work in Round Rock. We saw how the Buchholz thing went last year.

Speaking of Buchholz, he was my biggest disappointment of 2006 - even moreso than Lidge or Backe. He was much-ballyhooed for the longest time, finally got to the bigs, and couldn't find the strike zone. His performace, coupled with the work of Lidge, Hirsh, and the like, led to the door being shown to pitching coach and male model Jim Hickey. Taylor's career has now found the humidifier-enhanced version of Coors Field, a.k.a. where careers go to die. The 2003 deal (Wagner for Brandon Duckworth-Buchholz-Ezequiel Astacio) that brought us that boy wonder may have been a good salary move, and it set the stage for the ascension of Lidge / acquisition of Beltran, but personnel-wise, it was one of Gerry Hunsicker's worst.

The wild card in all this, of course - the pink elephant in the room - is Roger returning. If he comes back in June or July, he makes everybody better. Jennings and Williams move to no. 3 and 4, the pen remains fresher down the stretch, and we may look like the favorites in the Central. I have no idea if he'll come back to the Astros, but getting out to a hot start wouldn't hurt. Much of that hinges on the successes of Mo-Berg, official badass Luke Scott, and festively plump cattle rancher and left fielder Carlos Lee.

A preview of the offense this weekend.